Monday, March 23, 2009

I made it, barely...

But I still have to make it to the bedroom after posting this. What is it that a have escaped from you might ask?

Binging, yes it was a close call. I was very hunger this afternoon when I got home and had a bowl of cereal telling myself that I will just have a little bit of chicken and veggies for dinner. Sounds good uh? Well it was but I also had a few bites of the pasta I made for everyone else. I also made Texas Toast but not thinking I made one for myself. So I had this extra piece floating around the kitchen and I tried to pass it off. Randy was no help he still had his piece to eat. My son already had a piece but said sure I will take it but then proceeded to feed it to the dogs. But I guess its better then me eating it.

Why the panic over 1 piece of bread? Let me explain what could have gone down..

Everyone is in their room. I am in the kitchen ALONE, washing dishes, cleaning the counters, putting the left over food away. I come upon the one piece of bread left untouched. I start thinking to myself that I didn't have any. I feel kind of unsatisfied so I eat it. I then start to feel bad but yet I feel like I need something sweet so I grab a 60 cal pudding. Then I go to bed feeling like crud, not understanding what my deal is.

What did happen?
I stood in the kitchen trying to get someone to eat the stupid bread. Dogs got lucky. Randy and my son stood there not understanding why I am freaking out over bread. they leave, I clean the kitchen. Make a cup of tea and here I am. Good right? Yes, I do feel good about that but I don't feel good that I am afraid of a piece of Texas Toast. How lame is that? I hope I am not alone.

Randy of course doesn't understand. While I am trying to stuff the bread down his throat he asked "If you don't/cant or want to eat it why cant you just leave it there"? Good question. I don't know. I think I have told myself NO for to long that it doesn't click that yes I can have this item of food if I can make it work with my program. Which is weird because I do allow myself things like 60 cal pudding, good granola bars and my weekend chai latte. So if I CAN have these things then why do I still feel deprived? I just don't understand. I am hoping maybe someone (other then Randy, yes you) out there has or is going through the same thing or maybe understand what I am trying to say. Sometimes what I want to say doesn't always come out the way I meant for it to.

After spell checking and previewing my post I noticed that all my breads (which just happened again) were actually spelled break. Could this be my unconscious side saying I need to give myself a break?? OR it could just be the lighting and the fact that some of the letters on the keyboard are rubbed off. :)

So now I will finish my yummy raspberry tea and then run for the bedroom :)

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